Accepted! Should we eat cake?

I’m beyond delighted to let you know that my short story “Let Them Eat Cake” has been accepted by The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction! Woo-hoooooooo!!!

This is another magazine that I adore, and this is my first horror short story, so it’s a double win for me. I’m hoping to get the contract later this fall, so, I’m guessing you’d see this one in print somewhere around the Fall of 2024. Fingers crossed!

Remember, Reader, to check out my Substack. It’s just a bunch of thoughts about things, and you can subscribe for free!

I’m still floored that I’m on this list!

And honestly, floored doesn’t even begin to cover it. But here it is, Tor.com’s “Must Read Short Speculative Fiction: February 2023” and I am the second story on it. What?!

I have blinked four hundred thousand times (defying the advice of the Doctor), and it still has my story on that list.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don’t know what else to say. I’m so delighted that my story has been so well-received, and I hope that y’all enjoy the next ones as much as you’ve enjoyed what I’ve written so far.

Thank you for writing!!

I just wanted to say thank you to all of the awesome people who have taken the time to email me to talk about writing, science fiction, and my short story “Cornflower.” I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your kindnesses and thoughts!

If you’re interested in knowing more about the story, my blog for Analog about writing “Cornflower” is now up on their Astounding Analog Companion site, and you can find it here.

And, as always, if you want to chat about it, drop me an email!

Cheers!

Onward to 2023!

My spectacularly irregular blog hasn’t really captured my 2022, so I’m starting a Substack, here. Wish me luck!

But, 2022 was certainly eventful. I published my first short story, in ParSec. Then my second story, in ANALOG (which should be out now!) And sold a third, and when I sign the contract, you’ll hear about more about that.

I ran the NYC Marathon. It took a long time. It was also hot. But I kind of loved it?

I got my first pull-up. Then I lost my pull-ups, because all I did was run.

I joined the SFWA, which is crazy, and exciting!

It was also a very sad year. My cousin Mike died from esophageal cancer, and we were really close. I miss him every day.

And now it’s 2023, and I’m going to sell more stories (I hope!), and write more things, and run 700 miles this year, and do this Substack business (go subscribe!), and I’m ready for it.

Hopefully, I’ll even update you about some of it. Ha!

April, May, June, July, August, and September

Why hello again! It’s been quite a few months since I’ve updated this blog. As it turns out, this pandemic has gone on forever, in no small part due to the incompetent leadership in America. I still like working from home. I still think that we can recoup some financial losses by getting rid of office life as much as possible. I still like walking outside and baking bread, although my sourdough starter has died. I stopped running as much when it got super hot, but I’m able to go back to the gym, which is nice. The really difficult part has been grief. Grief is strange and surreal to begin with, but in this pandemic, the strangeness and surrealness has been magnified.

And I’ll probably write more about that at one point, but not right now. Right now it’s enough to tell you that my father died in July. Grieving has been painful and sad and complicated. The loss of a parent is a primal loss, and the loss of an abusive and alcoholic parent is a terribly complex primal loss. I’m probably going to write about this a lot, or maybe I won’t write about it at all. A friend of mine from high school died from cancer shortly afterward. Honestly, far too many people have died in a very short time. I think we’re all grieving at this point.

And now it’s October. And I’ve read a billion books, and I want to read a billion more, and one of my closest friends and I have started a book review project, called Everyday I Read the Book, that will one day be a podcast. You can find it on Instagram and Facebook.

And I’m trying to start writing again. I’m working on some fiction, I’m doing some stuff, but it’s slow going. Stay tuned. There’s more to come.

Voice

For several years now, I’ve been trying to redevelop my writing voice. I’ve written endless pages of garbage trying to discard the words and phrases that became stuck in my throat after 10 years of academia. Academic writing, for those of you that have never done it relentlessly, is conventional, in every sense of the word. You present papers at conventions (okay, conferences, but not that dissimilar). You are harangued by editors (and peers) whose ideas of punctuation were formed by reading Romantic novels (meaning novels from the early to mid 1800s, not novels from Harlequin). You cannot be creative with academic writing. Well, you can, but there will invariably be someone who marks out all the good stuff until you’re left with a dry, academic paper, and all of your conversational grammar has been wrought into a wooden, prescriptive grammar that no one in their right mind would speak aloud.

This is not to say that there aren’t excellent academic writers. There are, and I know several of them. But for me, writing academically was like putting on a suit and a starchy, ironed, button-up shirt. Sure, I could do it, but it never felt comfortable. I’d much rather wear jeans and a sweatshirt. I like to start sentences with “And.” I like to treat commas like rainbow sprinkles. I like to string words together simply because they sound pretty. Sound, I think, is essential to writing, even more essential than, say, whether or not you use “you” in a sentence. Everything I do when I write connects to sound. And the sounds of academia are frequently, it seems, the sounds of asses braying on an Orwellian farm. I’d much rather listen to the sounds of Billie Holiday and T’ai Freedom Ford, thank you very much.

It’s not that I regret academia, or ever being an academic. I don’t. Not really. I regret not following creative writing the way I wanted to, of being too afraid of being poor(er), of being too excited that my dad finally took an interest in my life when he advised me to write on the side, and pursue something else as a career. I tried, but when I went to grad school, I chose English, because I couldn’t imagine doing anything else with my life, and by that point, also couldn’t imagine writing for a living. Hencely, I became an academic. (Yes, I made that word up. You can only make up words in academia if they begin with “post” and end with “ism.” Here, I do what I want!) And I liked teaching, and reading, and losing myself in ideas, but I never got to create the way I wanted to. I never got to write, really write, in my jeans and sweatshirt, fully at home in my skin. And I sorta got used to the suit and the starchy shirt, ill-fitting as it was.

Post-academia, I kept trying to put on the starchy shirt and make it fit, even though it never got more comfortable. Eventually, I started writing for me, and it was painful to see how awkward and strange my voice had become. So I wrote every day, trying to find my voice again. It’s still different. It’s still feels strange sometimes to hear myself on the page. And god knows, I miss the lightning speed of my former voice, when I could write 10 or 20 pages in a matter of hours.

But I like this newer voice, too. It’s not done yet, but the jeans are broken in and the sweatshirt is oversized and comfortable. There’s a lot I’m still test driving. But test driving is the nature of writing, too. And it’s one of the parts I really like.

Resolve

For the past several years, I’ve taken on daily challenges. I’ve written a poem a day (which quickly became a haiku a day, and was in collaboration with my buddy Julian (who has been my partner in crime since high school). Julian made a Buddha a day. You can find this entire project HERE. ). I’ve take a photo a day. I’ve written 500 words a day. I’ve created every day. You get the idea.

So this year, I’m going back to writing every day, but 300 words a day. While 500 words a day was great, it left little time for revision or going back to certain pieces to flesh them out more. And the year I left it vague so that I could revise more, I generated less writing (surprise). So, I’m trying out a lower word count so that I can still generate some ideas, but also have time to revise as needed. (The 300 words suggestion, btw, comes from Anne Lamott’s book Bird by Bird.)

To compliment this resolution, I’m also going to focus more on putting my (creative) self out there. So, expect more blogging. Maybe more pictures! More stories. More words. More sharing. I have a tendency to hoard all of my writing, like some sort of ink dragon, and so I’m going to try to be better about that.

Obviously, all this writing will require a great deal of sitting at my desk, and my life is already pretty sedentary, what with my desk job. So to offset this, I’m going to walk or run every day this year. I’m especially excited about this resolution because I don’t tend to make fitness resolutions. My running game is better than it has been for some time, and I want to keep that business going. So here’s to miles in 2020!

And there’s one more thing. I’m going to make room and take time. I tend to fill up my schedule with tons of activities and events, leaving no time for creative lassitude, which is deeply important to me. I need lazy days to ruminate and think and do nothing. I need to let ideas simmer and see what happens. I need the space to pluck ideas from the ether and create with them. I need room for my soul to breathe. And that’s one of the most important things I’m going to work on this year. Leaving time and space for spirit.

Together, these goals cover the four worlds of the Kabbalah. I can’t take credit for coming up with this—it was my husband’s idea to create resolutions that covered the four worlds, and I loved it immediately! What a fantastic idea! As we drove back from Virginia, just in time to unpack and watch the ball drop, we discussed our resolutions and how they would fit into the four worlds. I love what we came up with! I’m looking forward to this year very much, and I hope 2020 turns out to be as promising as it seems right now.

Fingers crossed!!

Jeep woes

And I’m overdue for a blog post, so I thought I would pop in and say hello!

We’ve had some car troubles, and the biggest part of the trouble was getting the Jeep dealership to actually look at the car. Jeep kept our car for almost a week and half before running a diagnostic on it. I had to call Jeep headquarters to contact the dealer because the dealer would 1. not answer the phone and let it go to the full voicemail box in the service department 2. answer the phone, and tell me someone would call me back, which they never did 3. answer the phone, and put me on hold, and leave me there.

Seriously.

When I called Jeep headquarters to complain, the dealer managed to look at the car and fix it that very day. However, when we went to pick it up, they hid it at the back of the lot and blocked it in with other cars so that we couldn’t leave. I took pictures. They knew we were coming. Petty.

Anyway, the Jeep is now back, and fixed. And since it was under warranty (oh yes, all this for a car under warranty. And no loaner offered.), we didn’t pay for the repair. We still might sell it, because who has time for this whenever your car needs to be fixed?

Oh, almost forgot—the reason we took it in? The service engine light came on. When we told them what had happened, they said we should have made an appointment. Again. Seriously?!

Hence, the blogging delay. Jeep took up for more of my mental real estate this week than it should have. But now I have all this space for thinking and writing again! Hooray!

Tract Man

Yesterday when I walked to the post office from my work, I ran into Tract Man. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him, and I was delighted to run into him. I adore Tract Man. He is a tall, thin, older white man, with a grey beard, and he’s usually wearing sunglasses, pale jeans, and long sleeves in all weathers. He carries a black backpack which I assume is full of his xeroxes. And he stands on the street corner, handing out xeroxed pages of passages of books. Most of the pages are a combination of handwritten passages and cut and pasted passages and typed passages, although some are all handwritten or all typed. Every page has a handwritten title identifying the theme of the passages. Most have some sort of marginalia that he has added to explain the passage or make his point. They’re almost like little zines.

I call him Tract Man because the literature tends to swerve into the political—although not always. Frequently, it’s actual literature: passages and quotes from books he loves, mostly non-fiction, but with a smattering of fiction thrown in. He adds to these passages his thoughts on the world, on government, on society and morality and spirituality and history and civic duty and human rights—the sky is the limit for tract man. Thoreau comes up often in his tracts, and, surprisingly so does Toynbee (who never seems to be quoted much these days by anyone). He’ll quote Ibsen and Jung together. Or Plato, Malcolm X, Ayn Rand, Camus, Carlyle, Gandhi, and Swift, all grouped together in way that would probably surprise all of them.

I enjoy his groupings, the way he arranges thoughts emotively and thematically, rather than historically or academically. His pairings and groupings are fruitful and interesting, and he doesn’t so much as argue as place ideas on a platter and hand them to you, leaving you to make of it what you will, his notations notwithstanding.

Tract Man delights me for this very reason. He stands on the street corner, handing out his xeroxed tracts, his zines, to anyone who wants one. He’ll ask you to choose what interests you if you want to read one. He never shoves them in your hands, he only offers. He’s enthusiastic if you stop to take a bundle of xeroxed papers, telling you his favorite parts and his favorite thinkers. Not everyone stops. But he’ll stand there for hours, handing out his pages.

I can’t imagine how much money he spends on his xeroxes. Or how much time he spends painstakingly copying down passages, adding his thoughts, writing carefully and legibly in his neatest handwriting, almost a font within itself. I wonder how long he has handed out his tracts, if he goes to colleges other than the one where I work to stand on the street corner and hand out pages of ideas. I wonder how heavy his backpack is. I imagine him pouring over books late at night, marking and underlining passages for a new tract, a new dispersal of thought, so that he can introduce someone to an idea he loves, to a thinker he loves, so that he can, in his own way, influence the world and make it into something better.

It’s such a small thing to do, such a personal endeavor, and Tract Man has so much passion and enthusiasm and belief and kindness that when I see him, I wave big and pick up my pace. He knows me by now, and he’s bubbles over with enthusiasm because he knows I keep all of his tracts. Sometimes he’ll hand me everything he has in his hands to take with me. And I do. I keep them all. I have pages upon pages of his notes and ideas. I read through every one. I know so much of what he believes, but I don’t know his real name. He’s just Tract Man. We never talk for long, and I don’t always see him out on the corner. But he always comes back, handing out his pages, and sometimes I happen to walk by, and see him pointing out his favorite passages with a student or another passerby, enthusiastic, nodding, smiling. And I’m always struck by what seems to be his personal mission: to hand out ideas, to offer things to read that might inspire people to read more, to think about the world around them a little differently than before.

Such a small thing, but it’s enough. I’ll take it.

Ephemera

My writing schedule has been a little derailed lately. Not writing every day feels strange and unsettling now. I don’t feel like I’m getting any REAL work done when I’m not able to write. It doesn’t matter if I’m writing ideas or lists or sketching out drafts or freewriting, I have to write something in order to feel like I’m fully present in my day. And for the past several days, I’ve written almost nothing at all. 

I don’t believe in writer’s block anymore. But I do believe that some ideas or thoughts are just so unsettled, that it’s impossible to capture them until they become a little more substantial. Until they solidify a bit, it’s like trying to catch mist with a net. And I’m not sure if I’m swinging my net at ideas or at air. 

What I’m not writing, in particular, is my memoir. My memoir is my main writing project at the moment. But instead I’ve been looking at old family photos, photos from before I was born. Photos of my grandmother, of her sisters, of my great-grandmother. A photo of my father in Vietnam (the only photo I know, so far, of him actually in Vietnam. He’s wearing camouflage fatigues and standing with a thin Vietnamese man in a black t-shirt and blacks shorts, and black Converse sneakers.). Photos of family reunions. Photos of my grandparents. So many photos, and nowhere near enough. 

I’m not sure what I’m thinking while looking through these photos. But that’s okay. I’ll figure it out eventually. And my net will be ready.